Chemo Day Uno

Well, we made it! Day one is done and over with and I now kind of know what to expect. I guess I'll start by saying that I had a supernatural peace most of the day yesterday. Jason and I both were resting in His security and promises. We even had several moments of laughter that had us in tears (and isn't that good for the soul?)! He delivers. He is faithful. He brought us through an expected terrifying day.

So this is kind of a breakdown of what happened. We got to the infusion center at about 8 am and left at about 5:30 pm. Needless to say, it was a long day.

8 am: When we got here, my chemo nurse addressed what would happen for the day and he different medicines I would be receiving. Besides the 3 chemo drugs, here is a list of the other medicines I was given: Tylenol, Decadron, Pepcid, Amend, an anti-nausea medication, Lasix, magnesium, potassium, and lots and lots of fluids. Fun stuff, huh? I am not one to take many medications other than a occasional Ibuprofen, so this is a lot.

8:45 am: We started fluids and premeds prior to starting chemo. I got 500 ml of fluids with potassium and sodium, as well as, Benadryl, Tylenol, Pepcid, and Decadron. This took about 2 hours total.

10:45 am: Chemo time. We started Bleomycin first, then Etoposide, and Cisplatin. They did a test run of Bleomycin first for 30 minutes to make sure that I tolerated it well. I did. All of the chemo took about 4-5 hours.

3:45 pm: We started follow-up fluids and they pushed Lasix into my IV to wash out these chemo drugs. We left at about 5:30 pm.

It was an okay day. I dislike sitting in a chair for 9.5 hours other than getting up out of the chair to pee about 15 times. Those fluids have me running back and forth to the bathroom. I am thankful for my helpers here because I have to carry my IV pole back and forth. I miss running around playing with my kiddos at work. I miss running. But that's okay. It's only 9 short weeks!

The only issue I really had today was my blood pressure dropping a little bit following Bleoycin and Etoposide. I think it's lowest was about 90/48. I didn't really have any symptoms of this though. Lasix, on the other hand is not my friend. Poor Jason had to stop about 5 minutes after we left so I could go to the bathroom at the pharmacy. At the pharmacy, I got quite light headed and figured that the chemo side effects were hitting me. I may have been a little panicky too. I was pale, clammy, sweating, and nauseated all the way home. Jason seemed to think that my blood pressure had dropped so he told me to raise my feet on the dash and lay my chair back and drink lots of water. I did and felt quite a bit better.

At home, I didn't go straight to bed. My brother came to take Tuesday and Wednesday shifts because they request that I have a ride to and from chemo due to drowsiness. I did a load of laundry, walked to the mailbox, and visited with Andy. That's pretty good, right? I woke up and just felt a little flu-like but thats really the extent of it! MY PICC line isn't bothering me at this point either. I think I'm moving right along. :). It's all God though...don't let me fool you.

So that's BEP chemo. I hope this helps who may read this that is scared to death to start this regimen. You can do it. With God, there is no doubt. He has taken all of the burden of his illness,. He has taken this chemo. He has defeated the cross. I thank Him for this chemo. I thank Him for loving me like on one else does.

Chemo day two was a little shorter than day one. I didn't get Bleomycin today. I am actually sitting here writing this at the end of day two and it looks like we are going to get to leave at about 2:30 or 3. Woo-hoo! Feeling good today and my blood pressure did not drop as much. They have also already given me Lasix to monitor me after yesterday. They also reduced the dose by half.

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
"Praise be to The Lord, to God the Savior, who daily bears our burdens." Psalm 68:19

Here are a few pictures from chemo days one and two. Enjoy. Thanks for all the prayers and support. My family and I love you all!

Treatments 1 and 2 down, 19 to go!

Locks of Love

Hi again! Yesterday Jason and I went to my hair stylist in Johnson City to cut off my long hair. My wonderful friend Nicole and her husband, Blake, met us at the salon for support. I cut my hair with intentions to donate it to Locks of Love. I figured I was going to lose it regardless so I might as well share the wealth. I am very blessed to have been given a human hair wig absolutely free and would love to be apart of that process for someone else.

There are a couple of different charities where you can donate your hair. For anyone who may want to do this in the future, I know of Locks of Love and Pantene Beautiful Lengths. Locks of Love accepts color treated hair, whereas Pantene Beautiful Lengths does not. Locks of Love goes only to children's hairpieces and Pantene Beautiful Lengths provides wigs for all ages. You can get more information on their websites.

I had a great time doing this. Before we left home, I had Jason take a few before pictures. I was a little upset when we were headed to the salon but Jason quickly turned my mood around. He talked about how nice short hair would be and we talked about all of the blessings that we had received during this. :) I can't believe how much my hair means to me. It's not just my hair but my long hair. I never considered myself to be that vain or overly concerned with my looks but I am. Obviously. I definitely have a glimpse into the ways that the devil takes hold of our lives when we can't even see it. As believers, we are very used to being in this world. We easily get consumed with all the things that the world see as important. I pray that He continues to change me and others reading this regarding the idea of beauty and our sense of identity in this world.

After getting my hair chopped off, my hair stylist also cut my wig. That was scary because it doesn't grow back! She worked wonders and it looks just like many hairstyles I have had in the past! So I think we completed the next step in this journey yesterday. This hair loss thing is a work in progress. We are losing hair in small increments to hopefully reduce the change, shock, loss all at one time. Next, Jason is planning on shaving my head when we notice the first signs of hair loss. That way it will be done with, like ripping off a bandaid. :)

I am very thankful today. Thankful for the courage to begin the hair loss process. Thankful for my amazing, supportive husband who spent an hour at an estrogen-filled hair salon totting around his wife's wig. I am thankful for Jason's words of encouragement and his consistent love. I am thankful for friends and family who give their time and love to me.

He is the source of all of this. He provides my comfort, courage, and strength. He provides my family and friends with love to give. He fills your heart to pray for me and to give me comforting words. He is love. He does this in all of our lives, all of the time. You don't have to be faced with cancer, divorce, death, or heartbreak to have His presence. He knew us before we had breath, He is with us now, and He will hold us until we see His face. If you need Him, ask Him. He is there and He loves you!

"The word of The Lord came to me, saying, 'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart, I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.'" Jeremiah 1:4-5



I leave you again with some good 'ol hair cuttin'. :)

PICC line fun!

Hi everyone! Thursday, January 31st was PICC line day and my sweet friend, Michelle's birthday! I think I'll remember that the 31st is her birthday only in the future! :)

My oncologist suggested that I get a PICC line for chemo infusions like I mentioned earlier. This is a procedure that is done in the hospital but does not require you to be sedated or wear a gown! The hospital has a PICC line team of nurses that perform this procedure all day long. It took about 30-45 minutes to do and I only felt a needle stick of Lidocaine to numb my arm. They use an ultrasound to find a large vein in your upper arm and feed a small catheter from your vein into your superior vena cava. After she inserted my PICC line, they took a chest radiograph to make sure it was where it needed to be. And we were off!

My aunt and cousin came along with me and I am grateful for that! That would have been hard to do alone. Thanks Anni and Sara! Oh, and I got to be apart of Sara's first trip to Pal's!

After the PICC line was in place we had to report back to the oncologist's office to learn about flushing out the line. So, in short, everyday we have to flush out the PICC line with saline. Anni also got some hands on experience with PICC line flushing!

Now for a little venting-

A PICC line hurts, is cumbersome, and time-consuming. I hope it stops hurting at some point, but I am only 2 days out from having a catheter jammed into a large vein in the middle of my upper arm. I am having a hard time wearing long sleeves because if you know me, I have incredibly bulging biceps and then you throw a PICC line in the mix. Just kidding. And lastly, wrapping my arm in Saran Wrap and then taping the edges down with electrical tape can take some time before showering. Did I mention that the Saran Wrap thing takes 2 people? So those of you with PICC lines or those that have had them in the past, my heart goes out to you.

Now that the venting is over, thank you God for this PICC line. Thank you for chemotherapy. Thank you for this country and the availability of medical care (exceptional medical care at that). Jason and I were talking about all we were thankful for in this process and he brought up the gift of living in America. After going to Haiti this past fall, both of our eyes were opened to how easy we have it here. This story would have been much different there. I am thankful for this temporary PICC line and all of the lovely things it brings because it will make the way for the medicine that will save my life. Well, my life on earth.

I have a few pictures from PICC line day. PICC lines are cool.

Releasing my burden: Fear

Merriam-Webster defines fear as an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger. Yep, that's it. I have lots of it. Throughout the day, fear runs through my head. Even before this diagnosis, I fell victim to this emotion probably more than most people. This is definitely a stronghold I have had for a very long time. Before all of this, I feared the most ridiculous things. Things that really do not matter in the least.

He says to "fear not". I've heard that this phrase is in the Bible 365 times but I've heard some skepticism around the number of times too. I don't think it really matters because 100 times or 365 times, it is still mentioned enough that we should take note of it. Unfortunately, I need to be reminded of this often. Several times a day often. But He does command me to not be afraid. My fears are not of Him. My fears are made to destroy me. My fears are a weapon intended to cripple my capability to serve our Lord. I don't mind a frequent reminder, do you?

So in order to daily release my fears, I thought I'd write out the main ones I am having with this cancer stuff. Hopefully, those reading it that are dealing with the same diagnosis can benefit from it in some way.

1. I fear death. Before faced with this diagnosis I don't think I feared this. I am excited to see Jesus. Really I am. I am just scared of the transition out of this world and into the other. More importantly, my fear surrounds leaving those that love me. I will be at the feet of The Lord but others won't. I thank Him for this realization. We need to face our mortality. We need to look it straight in the eye. I think I'm starting to get it. We really only have a small amount of time to make our lives count. Man, I have wasted so much time. Luckily, the doctors say that I'll have plenty more time to make it count. God-willing.

Psalm 23:4

2. I fear weakness. If you know me personally, you know that I am quite competitive. Weakness was viewed as a flaw to me. I have been blessed with the ability to catch onto things quickly and have been decent at most things I have tried. So, by the worlds standards I have not been weak. Until now. I dread needing to be taken care of. Fortunately, I serve a God who loves to take care of us. He is strong when I am weak (which is all the time in His eyes, who was I kidding). I'm just thankful that He puts up with stubborn children like myself. I pray that He continues to pursue me in this way. I do not need to be strong and will not be strong all the time. I will Let mHim be all the strength I need. I will boast in my weakness just as He commanded, or try to at least!

2 Corinthians 2:9

3. I fear giving up control. I am a type "A" personality. I am organized, controlling, always on time, brutally honest, and I desperately try to fix all things. So, this has thrown me for a loop! It's a hard pill to swallow that I really have no control at all (or ever had). Especially with this situation. Worrying about it does nothing. Researching ovarian cancer and weighing my odds does nothing. I have to sit back and wait (which type "A's" are not very good at either). I knew this lesson though. I know that I have the ability to make my own choices but the book is written. My future is known. I must use these circumstances for good. I must press on, without control. Why would I want to be in control anyway when The Lord of the universe holds the world in His hands? It's time to let go of myself. I'm not that big of a deal, but He is.

Matthew 19:26

4. I fear losing my hair. Okay, we already talked about this one but I do fear this. I'm not sure my head is so cute bald. I don't know how I'll feel when it starts falling out. I don't know how Jason will feel either. I feel bad for him. I feel bad for people visiting and feeling weird around me because I look so different. I know these are silly worries. I know Jason loves me regardless and the people that visit will too. I realize that the people that love me probably aren't as shallow as I am. I think this is just a realization that I have placed too much emphasis on vanity. My hair means entirely too much to me. I am grateful for this time and for this realization. I want my heart to be transformed here. Beauty is not external.

Proverbs 31:30

5. I fear the unknown. Yep, I am type "A" through and through. I fear chemo not working. I fear infection, nausea, dehydration, and moments of little faith. I fear survivorship and future doctor appointments. I fear future motherhood in case there is a recurrence. I fear any ache and pain. I fear, fear. I fear revealing this to the world because it reveals my little faith and trust. Lord release me from these fears. If I have to come before you 100 times a day to relinquish these fears, lead me to you. You are powerful. You are able. You are Healer. You are a mighty God.

Proverbs 3:6

So, this is probably the most real post that I have written. I feel pretty exposed after writing this but I wanted to give a honest glimpse of my heart. It is uncertain and shaking with fear. But He has it in His hands. By Him alone, I will not fear. I will hold tight to His words and His promises. I will study it and place it on my heart. I am thankful for this broken place. I often miss His hand in my life but He hasn't left my side yet. He hasn't left yours either.

I promise a better blog soon! He has great things ahead! :). I leave you with a Haitian sunset. Enjoy!

What happens next?

Hello everyone! I just though I'd update everyone on what the next steps are in this whole process. I went to my oncologist last Friday for my post-op appointment. We didn't know if we would make it or not because of the ice storm that we had Friday morning but we did. My doctor mostly prepared us for chemotherapy...listing side effects and regimens for each drug that I will receive. He scheduled me for a chemo education session, as well as, to receive a PICC line.

I had my chemo education session yesterday and my mom came along for support. Again, we talked about side effects and regimens for each drug. We discussed a schedule for chemo as well. I'm glad my mom was able to come along because I think it eased her fears a bit. The chemo class was led by a nurse practitioner at my oncologist's office and she prescribed nausea meds for me to take. I think overall we left this session feeling okay about everything. We were at least educated on what may/may not happen. Oh, and I got the see the infusion center that I will spend A LOT of time in!

The chemotherapy I will receive is called BEP (Bleomycin, Etoposide, and Cisplatin). It will be given in 3, 21 day cycles for a total of 9 weeks. Each cycle will look like this: Week 1 I go to chemo Monday through Friday for 6 hours and receive all 3 drugs; Weeks 2 and 3, I go on Monday and receive Bleomycin only lasting less than 1 hour. Fun, huh? There is lots of info online if you want to know more about each drug. Basically, it is the same chemotherapy regimen that testicular cancer patients receive. Major side effects are: nausea, hair loss, fatigue, flu-like symptoms, decreased white blood cells, red blood cells, and platelets, and some skin changes. There are some more severe side effects but those are pretty rare. I have been told that since I am young and healthy that I should do okay with this dose of chemo. For some reason it's hard to believe that this will be okay. All my trust lies in The Lord on this one. He's the only one that's going to get me through this. My goal is to stay positive and try and embrace this challenge, knowing that my suffering is bringing me closer to Him (if He is where my focus remains).

So, Thursday will be PICC line day. PICC stands for peripherally inserted central catheter for those of you that aren't medical minded. It's basically an IV that will stay in my upper arm for 9 weeks. I am dreading this. Mostly because it's another medical procedure. I also feel like that this will make me feel/look sick. The oncologist felt that a PICC line was our best bet due to the frequency of chemo the first week in each cycle. Chemo can also make your veins rather hard to work with. I have some juicy babies now that are a phlebotomist's dream but they will be all used up in a few short months. On a happy note, there is a cool website that makes various medical supply covers that are quite stylish. So I have ordered myself a teal PICC line cover to support ovarian cancer of course. I'm quite thankful for this!

Chemotherapy officially starts Monday, February 4th at 8 am. I can't say I'm looking forward to it but I am so ready to get this show on the road. I am thankful for this week to enjoy (thank you Jesus for amazing weather) some time with Him and all the people He placed in my life. I have also been preparing for the weeks ahead. I have a stash full of nausea meds, lemon drops, teal nail polish (for fun), scarfs, crochet hats, soup, Sprite, Boost, a "special bucket" to stay in the car :), and comfortable clothes. My house is ready. My pantry is ready. My body is as ready as it'll ever be. My husband? I think he's ready. Most importantly, my heart and soul are biting at the bit to go. I can't wait to see what He has in store. Please Lord, use me for your good. I accept this trial before me and trust in your Hand. You have blessed me more than I will ever deserve because you love me.

I plan on writing a little bit more before chemo about some stuff on my heart that I would like to process through, so bear with me. I will definitely fill everyone in on chemo day one...hopefully!

Thanks for reading! I really appreciate all of the prayers! Oh, thanks Anita for the t-shirt! How cute!

What is beauty?

Ever since the word chemotherapy was mentioned, people have been telling me to go ahead and look for a wig. Until now, I was having a hard time coming to terms with chemotherapy becoming part of my life. I did not want to accept this change, this trial, this path. If I definitely wasn't accepting chemo, then I really wasn't ready to deal with losing my hair.

It took a leap of faith. I went to the American Cancer Society yesterday morning with my mom and Aunt Cindy by my side for a different kind of makeover. I was there to try on different wigs and hopefully find one to take home. I mentioned in my last blog how incredible this organization was but let me just reiterate that fact. They are wonderful. I speak for my family and I when I say that I have made 2 new friends. Jessica, who works for ACS was incredibly knowledgable with anything cancer-related. She also had Allison, an ETSU student, with her. They were both sincerely understanding and provided me with support and wisdom.

I tried on many wigs in all colors, styles, and types. Basically, you can get a synthetic blend wig or one made of human hair. I chose a human hair wig because it just felt real. And looked real too! It was really amazing how good they looked! The room that we tried the wigs on in looked just like a professional dressing room. It was beautiful and very "girly". I also had the opportunity to try on different hats, scarves, and turbans. Don't worry, there are pictures to document this day!

I left this place with a brand new human hair wig provided to the ACS by "Beautiful Lengths", a program sponsored by Pantene, as well as, a head wrap and scarf that were all donated. I am so grateful for this service. We laughed the whole time we were there and my face hurt because I smiled so much! But most importantly, I left with a sense of self. With each wig I tried on, I looked pretty different but I was still me. Cancer can take my hair but it can't take who I am. I conquered cancer today and I plan on doing the same tomorrow, and the day after that....

When I was first diagnosed and knew I needed chemotherapy, I really did not think about the effects of treatment. I just wanted to live. I still just want to live. So in my mind, it's hard to be upset about losing my hair. It seems like such a vain thing to be worried about. I should be worried about my life. In knowing that my cancer has a high cure rate, smaller worries were creeping in, such as hair loss. When this unknown comes lurking, He tells me not to hide. He doesn't want this story to be hidden. My bald head will tell a tale. I want to be proud to be bald because I'll be alive and living is beautiful.

So throughout the day, I was reminded of the definition of true beauty through the eyes of our Maker. This world may have its own idea of what is beautiful but I will chose what He values every time. My worldly beauty will not get me any closer to where my heart desires but the beauty of my heart will. And don't get me wrong, my heart is not always beautiful. I think striving for it is a start though.

"Do not let your adorning be external-the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear-but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."
2 Peter 3:3-4

And yes...I did take pictures with the iPad of my pictures off of the computer (for you, Jason).

The charity I didn't expect to need

Well, today makes 1 week post op and I can't believe how fast time has gone by! I am feeling pretty good, just a little sore around my incisions. You wonder what I have been doing with my time? I have been I am trying to prepare my house, my husband, and myself for 9 weeks of chemo without lifting more than 10 pounds and with frequent rest breaks! I have also had the opportunity to see some great friends and family that I have neglected because of my busy life.

One thing that has been on my list of to-dos was to begin researching various wig options. I have put off this notion for the obvious reasons. As if surgery to remove my ovary and Fallopian tube were not truth enough, my hair falling out will be proof that I am a cancer patient. I still haven't really used that word in direct relation to myself. Kelly, you have cancer. But, cancer does not have Kelly.

Anyway, I called the American Cancer Society today and talked with a awesome woman from the Johnson City office. I thought I'd ask her if she had any advice on where to get a decent wig. Surprisingly, she told me that they provided wigs to their patients free of charge. What? She said that they have all different colors, styles, and types of hair for me to choose from. All I need to do was make an appointment for a fitting session. This touches my heart. I knew what the American Cancer Society was and had even ran in some of their races but I had never been a recipient of their works. So in that, thank all of you who have ever given to this charity or any charity.

This lady at the American Cancer Society also mentioned a class that they offer women undergoing treatment for cancer. It's called the "Look Good...Feel Better" program. It's pretty much a 2 hour session teaching us how to take care of our skin and nails. It also helps with options during and following hair loss. I had no idea anything like this existed...but I am so thankful that it does.

So to sum that up, the American Cancer Society rocks! If you already give to this organization, continue! The people they serve are blessed. I am sure that I will continue to advocate for this organization, maybe even tomorrow. Oh and by the way, I will be running another marathon after this wearing a DetermiNation jersey. You can find out more at www.cancer.org.

So I go tomorrow to be fitted for a wig with my mom along for help. I made myself a hat today as well. I'm preparing, right? Not quite sure that's possible, but preparing for this turn in life was really not possible either. I just know that I will be beautiful in His eyes regardless and my future is in His hands. With that, ready or not cancer, here I come.