Releasing my burden: Fear

Merriam-Webster defines fear as an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger. Yep, that's it. I have lots of it. Throughout the day, fear runs through my head. Even before this diagnosis, I fell victim to this emotion probably more than most people. This is definitely a stronghold I have had for a very long time. Before all of this, I feared the most ridiculous things. Things that really do not matter in the least.

He says to "fear not". I've heard that this phrase is in the Bible 365 times but I've heard some skepticism around the number of times too. I don't think it really matters because 100 times or 365 times, it is still mentioned enough that we should take note of it. Unfortunately, I need to be reminded of this often. Several times a day often. But He does command me to not be afraid. My fears are not of Him. My fears are made to destroy me. My fears are a weapon intended to cripple my capability to serve our Lord. I don't mind a frequent reminder, do you?

So in order to daily release my fears, I thought I'd write out the main ones I am having with this cancer stuff. Hopefully, those reading it that are dealing with the same diagnosis can benefit from it in some way.

1. I fear death. Before faced with this diagnosis I don't think I feared this. I am excited to see Jesus. Really I am. I am just scared of the transition out of this world and into the other. More importantly, my fear surrounds leaving those that love me. I will be at the feet of The Lord but others won't. I thank Him for this realization. We need to face our mortality. We need to look it straight in the eye. I think I'm starting to get it. We really only have a small amount of time to make our lives count. Man, I have wasted so much time. Luckily, the doctors say that I'll have plenty more time to make it count. God-willing.

Psalm 23:4

2. I fear weakness. If you know me personally, you know that I am quite competitive. Weakness was viewed as a flaw to me. I have been blessed with the ability to catch onto things quickly and have been decent at most things I have tried. So, by the worlds standards I have not been weak. Until now. I dread needing to be taken care of. Fortunately, I serve a God who loves to take care of us. He is strong when I am weak (which is all the time in His eyes, who was I kidding). I'm just thankful that He puts up with stubborn children like myself. I pray that He continues to pursue me in this way. I do not need to be strong and will not be strong all the time. I will Let mHim be all the strength I need. I will boast in my weakness just as He commanded, or try to at least!

2 Corinthians 2:9

3. I fear giving up control. I am a type "A" personality. I am organized, controlling, always on time, brutally honest, and I desperately try to fix all things. So, this has thrown me for a loop! It's a hard pill to swallow that I really have no control at all (or ever had). Especially with this situation. Worrying about it does nothing. Researching ovarian cancer and weighing my odds does nothing. I have to sit back and wait (which type "A's" are not very good at either). I knew this lesson though. I know that I have the ability to make my own choices but the book is written. My future is known. I must use these circumstances for good. I must press on, without control. Why would I want to be in control anyway when The Lord of the universe holds the world in His hands? It's time to let go of myself. I'm not that big of a deal, but He is.

Matthew 19:26

4. I fear losing my hair. Okay, we already talked about this one but I do fear this. I'm not sure my head is so cute bald. I don't know how I'll feel when it starts falling out. I don't know how Jason will feel either. I feel bad for him. I feel bad for people visiting and feeling weird around me because I look so different. I know these are silly worries. I know Jason loves me regardless and the people that visit will too. I realize that the people that love me probably aren't as shallow as I am. I think this is just a realization that I have placed too much emphasis on vanity. My hair means entirely too much to me. I am grateful for this time and for this realization. I want my heart to be transformed here. Beauty is not external.

Proverbs 31:30

5. I fear the unknown. Yep, I am type "A" through and through. I fear chemo not working. I fear infection, nausea, dehydration, and moments of little faith. I fear survivorship and future doctor appointments. I fear future motherhood in case there is a recurrence. I fear any ache and pain. I fear, fear. I fear revealing this to the world because it reveals my little faith and trust. Lord release me from these fears. If I have to come before you 100 times a day to relinquish these fears, lead me to you. You are powerful. You are able. You are Healer. You are a mighty God.

Proverbs 3:6

So, this is probably the most real post that I have written. I feel pretty exposed after writing this but I wanted to give a honest glimpse of my heart. It is uncertain and shaking with fear. But He has it in His hands. By Him alone, I will not fear. I will hold tight to His words and His promises. I will study it and place it on my heart. I am thankful for this broken place. I often miss His hand in my life but He hasn't left my side yet. He hasn't left yours either.

I promise a better blog soon! He has great things ahead! :). I leave you with a Haitian sunset. Enjoy!