For the love of the run

Hi everyone! Things are going pretty good around here. Just trying to make it through week number five without any complications! I have had a little bit of trouble recuperating from my last long chemo week. I have just been somewhat puny and tired but if that's all I have to complain about, I'll take it anyway! Tomorrow is my last Neupogen shot for the week and I get my blood work done as well. Hopefully all of my blood counts look good again!

Other than feeling kinda yucky, I am so bored. I cannot even begin to describe just how bored I am starting to get! I don't have a ton of energy so I can't conquer things like cleaning the whole house in one swoop, yard work, shopping, or even baking (can you believe it?). So unfortunately, you are quite limited to what you can do. I spend most of my days getting ready, reading, watching tv, doing a load of laundry, and little chores around the house. Allie and I occasionally make it to out to the booming metropolis of Bluff City to walk around or to recycle. One those days that it's nice enough to hit the pavement with Allie, it hits me. I MISS running. I desperately miss it. My mind, body, and soul yearn for it. Especially now.

Running became a huge part of my life a few years ago. I have always been an athlete and ran as a part of training for a lot of the sports I participated in but never really enjoyed it. After college and all of the organized sports dwindled, I had to find something to do to stay in shape. I am not a gym rat and would just rather be outside. I started running some distance before I got married to reduce stress (sorry Jason, but getting married is quite stressful) and it helped. It also really helped me fit in my wedding dress! After that though, I lost it again and got busy with PT school and adapting to being a wife and full time student. But like any love, it came back and I'm so glad it did.

In 2012, my parents started the long road to divorce and it took me for a loop. My life had been easy up until then. I couldn't really complain about much and had no reason to really be mad at the world. Now, life wasn't fair. I had a hard time accepting this reality for quite some time and didn't have an outlet. I found myself in a pathetic place really. I was cold, disinterested, and bitter. I knew the promises of God but I was just mad. Anger and hurt can really poison your heart! Then I ran.

I ran to run away from my situation. I ran when my mom was upset. I ran when I was upset. I spent countless hours on the pavement in the bitter cold and in the raging heat running with tears in my eyes. I had downloaded so many songs on my iPod about God's love and plan, overcoming troubles, etc that I could run another marathon without repeating one of them! Running provided me with time to myself and for myself. Gradually, my pain subsided and my heart began to heal. Not only was I beginning to gain substantial distance, but my soul was also benefitting! My runs were filled with contemplating relationships, reliving my day and how it could have gone better, prayer for friends and family, worshipping the Lord, and purging negative thoughts. Running left me strong, capable, and courageous. And this is how my marriage to my running shoes began! It was a symbiotic relationship full of ups and downs, give and take, and the dream to go further tomorrow.

So from the spring of 2010 until December 2012, I ran at least 5 days a week. I ran anywhere from 2-3 miles to 26.2 at one go. I ran in the rain, snow, wind, heat, with Allie, in the dark, before you got out of bed, with friends, alone, being chased by animals, and on many different roads. I ran for people who couldn't- those too scared to try, those too old to try, and for all of my kids at work that could only dream of running. Each time I ran, I got to know Kelly. I learned of her fears, dreams, set backs, failures, strength, and her heart. I miss her. I miss spending time allowing God to reveal her to me.

I know that this trial is much like my marathon. And I will again say that it was by no coincidence that I was able to accomplish that goal before being faced with cancer. He is a great God. I can clearly see how He has used running to prepare me for this. It has taught me my potential. It helped me know my body to catch this early. It made a strong fighter, knowing she is capable of the unthinkable. It has given me life in so many ways. Thank you God for your gift of running.

Don't get me wrong. Running is no walk in the park. Training for a marathon is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Before fighting cancer, I had never been so taxed or pushed to my limit. I had to drag myself out of bed at 5 am on Saturday mornings to go run up to 20 miles (thank you to Susan, my faithful running partner). There were times you didn't want to continue or couldn't continue. Times when you counted down the miles or the steps. "One foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other." I felt like my legs were not my own so many times, probably because they were numb or electrolyte deprived! But through all of that pain, I finished each time. I finished disappointed that I could have done better and sometimes too tired to care. But in the end, it is worth it. All of that pain and suffering, early mornings, late evenings, contemplating quitting, pushing on, and not giving up were worth to finish line. I can't even begin to explain the finish line. That's a whole new blog post. :)

I know they say runners are crazy. I get that. I don't expect many of you to understand, but those that do, go run! I'lI catch up real soon!

"Let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." Hebrews 12:1

Halfway Through

So...yesterday marked halfway through with chemo treatments! As of today, I only will have 9 more to go! I cannot believe that we have made it this far. I just wanted to tell everyone how much I appreciate all of the prayers, words of encouragement, and support. Through this experience, the power of prayer and fellowship have definitely been revealed to me!

I fully trust in His ability to bring healing to my body and soul in His time; however I'll be honest in that the next few days are going to be a challenge. I hate to go ahead and say that but after the end of my first long week, I felt pretty crummy. I am again starting to feel pretty bad, where all you can think about is being uncomfortable. I really have no room to complain, because I'll take 3-4 bad days out of a a 21-day cycle! It could be so much worse and I see His blessing in that. I pray that I can stay focused over the weekend knowing that this storm will pass and we'll be closer to finishing! I pray that I won't complain too much so Jason can have a decent weekend with me! :)

After reflecting on the first half of treatment, I realize that I do not know where all the time has gone! I desperately miss normalcy, interaction with people, RUNNING, and my babies at work! It feels like all I have done is play incredible amounts of Sudoku, sleep after my Benadryl dose in chemo camp, and watch too many recorded episodes of Parenthood and Duck Dynasty! This is not how I had attended or spend all of this extra time that He had given me! I often complained before all of this with how little time I had to improve my spiritual life, family life, or clean my house. Well, I have had that time and haven't done a thing with it! I believe that He has given me this period of rest at the perfect time. I pray that I will begin to use it more effectively. It just seems easier sometimes to go someplace different and get away from the circumstances at hand. Although I know that we all go through things that aren't easy but are required for our walk. I know that He keeps me in this valley just long enough until I am where He wants me to be.


Well, I guess I should finish up here and pay more attention to my brother (who left the toilet seat up in the women's cancer center....haha). Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Passing Chemo Camp Time

Today marks the end of my 9th treatment...I only have 13 more! I'm feeling pretty good this week so far! My aunt Anni took me to chemo today and we had some fun trying on different wigs that are available for me to have if I need them. It definitely gave us all a laugh! I may have been slightly too rowdy in the infusion room today! Thank you Anni for being my chemo camp friend today! Needless to say, I didn't take any wigs home! I don't know, should I have? Which one is your favorite? Hehe. Only bald people get to do this!

So for your viewing pleasure...

Turning Point

I didn't really plan to blog today and I don't really know what I am going to talk about but I just felt like writing something. I think I've reached a turning point. No more poor Kelly. I am making a conscious effort to push onward not because I have to but because I can. I am going to do this (of course not alone but I am not powerless)! I am taking initiative to make the next 6 weeks more positive.

I have two stories to share with you today.

Number One
I don't know how many of you got the opportunity to watch 20/20 last night but a special on Robin Roberts from Good Morning America was aired. I didn't know that this was coming on but I was excited to see that it had. This program literally changed my battle. She is incredibly inspiring and The Lord was shining through her. Cancer has done nothing to Robin but bring depth and strength to her life. She displayed her struggles and heartbreak with grace and exemplified joy in her circumstances. I am not alone. There are millions if not billions of people across the world that experience something like this. There are millions of opportunities for us to change our lives and to glorify Christ. You don't have to have cancer to make a difference. All of us have a story...we just have to be willing to share it. Thank you Robin for your love of Christ, your strength, and your story. You are changing lives.

Number Two
After arching this program on tv last night, I was on YouTube looking for other stories from cancer survivors, particularly ovarian cancer. Well, I came across Shannon Miller. I don't know how many of you know her, but in 1996 my 13-year-old self was glued to the tv watching her represent the United States in women's gymnastics. I can remember watching the US women's gymnastics team and wanting to be just like them. She inspired me then and she has inspired me now. Shannon Miller is a germ cell tumor, ovarian cancer survivor. She had my exact tumor and received the same chemotherapy that I am getting. She has made her story known and is now an advocate for ovarian cancer. She has also written a book that discussed her outlook when she was faced with cancer and treatment and talks about survivorship. She discusses taking control of your health and wellness during chemo. You can check her out online at shannonmillerlifestyle.com.

Thank you Lord for the stories of these two women. I hope that my story will impact someone too. We are not alone here. He gave us hands, feet, and mouths to go to the ends of the earth proclaiming his promises and to encourage each other. Don't waste the gift of fellowship.

Love you all. I pray to be here for you as each of you have been here for me. God bless you!

Here is beautiful Costa Rica!

Cycle One

Well, today marks the end of cycle one! I am officially 1/3 of the way through chemotherapy! These past three weeks have been tough physically, mentally, and spiritually but nonetheless encouraging. I have made it through my first cycle of chemo without being overly sick or discouraged. I am extremely blessed that I have had minimal nausea and fatigue and that for the past two weeks I've been very well! Hopefully, this trend sill continue! as far as my physical appearance goes, I am almost completely bald. I really haven't cared about my lack of hair, other than the process of it falling out is somewhat painful! I don't know the science behind this, but my hair hurts around the places that it is actively falling out?! I have had the opportunity to try out the latest bald trends...scarves, messenger hats, etc. :)

Throughout the past three weeks I have learned a lot about faith. I have also learned a lot about the vastness of God. I really only have the faith of a mustard seed most of the time. I will pray to God for healing, comfort, peace, etc. for myself and for others but I still worry and I still feel like I need to perform for His approval. I yearn to be bold with my prayers, knowing that if I ask something from Him, as long as it follows His plan, He will deliver. Not only does He listen and answer prayer, He is able to do ALL things. Things that aren't explained by science or rationale. He is capable to bring peace, healing and understanding. I pray for my faith to increase. His truths are revealed in His word and I pray for the faith to believe this when I can't see. During this process, I have felt like a hypocrite a lot. I write about faith and peace and I don't have that much of the time. I try. I am willing. I am learning and wouldn't trade my life for anything. Granted my life is a little more complicated than I would like, but He is at work. Transform me into your image Lord, teach me Your ways, and direct me to Your truths!

My devotional this morning focused on faith and Matthew Henry from "Streams in the Desert" had this to say, "Active faith gives thanks for a promise even though it is not yet performed, knowing that God's contracts are as good as cash." So thank you Lord for all you have in store.

"Commit your way to The Lord; trust in Him and he will do this." Psalm 37:5

Here is a picture of today's hairstyle...playing with photo booth on the iPad.

Taking Control

Well....the past few days have been quite adventure filled for me. Monday I had chemo camp where I received Bleomycin only. My good friend Mandy took me and stayed for the whole experience (yay Mandy)! Anyone else that would like to experience chemo just let me know...I'm always needing a ride! :) After chemo, my mom and I went to a class that The American Cancer Society does called, "Look Good, Feel Better" ( I think I have mentioned this before). It's a class that goes over skin and nail care, as well as, teaching you pointers on how to alter your make-up to disguise the lovely effects of chemotherapy....dark circles, dry skin, loss of eyebrows and lashes, and blemishes/skin discoloration. This class was extremely helpful and I got to keep an extremely large amount of make-up all donated from the major cosmetic brands! So cool. Not to mention all of the incredible people I had the opportunity to meet that are dealing with the cancer diagnosis. There were actually two women there really close to my age. It was extremely inspiring to see strength and courage in all of these women. It was even better to see The Lord glorified in the lives of women living with cancer.

When I went to get my wig from The American Cancer Society right after my surgery, before chemo even started, they signed me up for this class. At the time, we had no idea what my chemo schedule would look like or anything. Amazingly, and only by the hands of The Lord, would this class also fall on the same day that I began significantly losing my hair. Not only did He bring me to the class, but His light was shining in several of the women there, who filled me with strength and encouragement. One women in particular had just lost her hair and gave me her story about her fear in losing her hair and was quite honest in how hard it was to shave her head. But with a smile on her face, her story was full of grace and healing. She definitely encouraged me to take the plunge and take control of this part of my story. I freely give Christ control of my life, but Satan will not control the emotions surrounding my hair loss. I was not going to let it fall out in clumps and hold onto the fear of waking up with hair on my pillow. I was going to let it go, and let God show me mercy.

So when I got home, I waited for Jason to get there knowing that it had to go! Mom had pulled out of the driveway after dropping me off at home and turned around and came back. She just couldn't miss the opportunity to see her daughter bald headed! (Apparently I was bald until I was 2, 3, 4, or when I started kindergarten...the story keeps changing). Jason got home and it didn't take five minutes until they sat me in the bathtub and got out the scissors and razor. Jason had full intentions of "playing" with various hairstyles before the final shave. I had a mullet and a Mohawk before it was over with. Jason had even bought a razor off of Amazon just for the occasion...he was really enjoying himself. I was kind of worried about my poor husband having to do this. As a woman and a wife, you want to be beautiful for your husband. Even if I looked hideous, he didn't show it. He was incredibly supportive and I thank him for making me feel beautiful. Mom was there to document the occasion. I am thankful for her presence as well because I know she loves me anyway. It was not that bad. A lot less scary than I had imagined and it was liberating. I was free of that fear. I imagine if I gave Jesus more of my worry and burden that this is how that feels. Free.

So my poor head looks awful....partly because of all the bald spots that I already have and partly due to user error (it was Jason's first head shaving experience). I am so relieved to have this step over its though. I'm actually excited for all of my hair to fall out because right now I look like I have the mange. :)

I have a ton of pictures that document this occasion but I will chose a few to post. Be ready, my head will knock your socks off. Hello world, I am bald and ready to face cancer looking like a soldier. A little less than 7 weeks to go in this first part of my journey, God use this time for your good!

Long Overdue

Hi everyone! I hope all of you are having a great Saturday! I want to begin this blog by apologizing for being non-existent over the past week or so. I don't know why I haven't wanted to write...it's not like I don't have the time and I actually have the energy. I feel like I haven't had anything really important to say. With that thought, I realize that I have placed way too much pressure on my own words. This blog isn't intended to be about me or for me in any way (other than a source of therapy), it is for Him. It is to make Him known through this trial, which I have the opportunity to do at every moment in this. So, I am sorry for "wasting my cancer". I have let this time pass by without using it. I keep praying for the next seven weeks to pass but that does nothing if I just sit idly by. Everyday we are called to follow Him, to patiently wait. I don't think God has intended for us to sit and wait and do nothing. We should be actively waiting for his goodness, not feeling sorry for ourselves and our troubles.

Jason and I have friends that are very dear to us that have recently moved to Kenya to join the mission field. We have to opportunity to communicate with this via e-mail, Facebook, etc, occasionally since they left and they definitely been more of a source of encouragement to us than we have been to them since they left. Our friend, Aaron, had written Jason an e-mail when they found out about my diagnosis. One resource that Aaron had mentioned for us to use is "Don't Waste Your Cancer" by John Piper. This is an online resource that anyone can access and read and I highly recommend it. I read this article pretty early on and it has been an incredible resource for my mind and heart. It goes through ten ways you can waste your cancer and not use your pain for His good. Because this article has meant so much to me, I thought I would spend some time sharing it with you guys. Thank you Jones family. You continue to effect the spiritual lives of Jason and I all the way from Kenya! We love and miss you.

Each of the next few paragraphs are my thoughts after reading "Don't Waste Your Cancer" by John Piper. I won't talk about each of his points specifically and I am doing my best to not recreate his ideas. This is really just my heart's response to his words.

Basically, this ovarian cancer diagnosis was chosen for me specifically. This obstacle was placed in this particular point in my life long before I existed. My Maker allowed it. He chose THIS to refine my heart and soul, to make me more like His image. Cancer is not the enemy, Satan is. Satan attempts to destroy my spirit through this trial. Satan attempts to poison my heart and bring me down. My God can use this cancer as a gift for me and for those effected by this disease.

It does nothing for me to dwell over my odds of survival or to know every bit of information regarding ovarian cancer. Don't get me wrong, it is quite important to know what you are fighting by the world's standards. However, God is the ultimate Physician, capable of miracles and healing, not explained my medicine or science. My heart, soul, and mind should be focused on His promises and His plan in this. My efforts should be placed on that active patience that I mentioned earlier and trusting His plan for my future. My odds are determined by The Lord and not scientific studies. He makes the call.

Cancer is humbling. It places the length of your life into focus. At 29, you do not think about your mortality. To be quite honest, the thought of death and eternity is slightly overwhelming. I can't wait to meet Jesus and spend eternity with Him, but being human, eternity is not something I can fathom. I am also a child of consistency and I do not like change. I have only know life in earth so anything else is a little daunting. I have had to face this. I think the bottom line is that I trust Him. If I trust Him here, I will trust Him in the transition outta here. I am thankful that I was forced here. I will no longer waste this life.

"Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes." -James 4:14

"An unexamined life is not worth living." -Socrates

Sometimes I also feel that the victory is in beating cancer. Unfortunately, I have pitied those that have died from this disease because they lost the fight. Victory isn't being healed from this disease. The victory is bringing The Lord glory. The victory is resting in Him and his goodness. He is the prize of a fight well fought. Whether you sit at his feet or continue this life at the end of the battle, we win when He is made known and we are transformed into his likeness.

So there you have it. I have learned a ton about life, cancer, myself, and His love for me and for all of us through this article. I hope you guys take the time to read through it as well or give it to someone you may know that is effected by this disease. Cancer is not the enemy. Cancer is the tool that will be used to refine us, mold us, and change us for His glory. Life will never be the same. Life will have more meaning, more value, and more promise. Life will be gift is was always meant to be.

I leave you with a monster underneath the bed... :)