Easter Sunday

Hello everyone! Happy Easter! I hope everyone had a great day full of family and faith. I cannot begin to to tell you how thankful I am for the gift of eternal life that we are celebrating today. Thank you Lord for the ultimate sacrifice of your only son so that we can be free! The grave has been defeated and I am more than grateful.

On this Easter Sunday, I am getting ready for my last day of chemotherapy tomorrow. It is so surreal to be in this place. I never thought I would make it here this fast or this seemingly healthy. Tomorrow will hopefully be the last time that I have to sit in the "chemo" chair and let chemicals course through my veins with a primary purpose to kill so many of my cells. It will also be the last day that I will have to have a PICC line hanging from my upper arm. In so many ways I am more than excited for tomorrow. But in just as many ways, I am almost sad. I can't tell if I'm sad or just scared. Tomorrow will also be the last day that I will get to spend time with some of the friends I have made. My schedule will change tremendously tomorrow. Tomorrow I begin my first steps toward survivorship. And I'm scared but excited. I think I'm more excited....see ya cancer.

I don't think it's by any coincidence that I am finishing chemotherapy the day after Easter. I also don't think it's by any coincidence that my 30th birthday is in a few weeks either. When I accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior, my slate was wiped clean. I was purified and given a new life, a new start. I now had eternal life. On Easter, The Lord sacrificed His son to save the world. Tomorrow I am also given a new start. God had given me a new perspective, a new start, a deeper respect for life, and a stronger love for Him through this trial. He has refined me and continues to do so.

I'm ready to see what this next step has in store. I'm ready to enter my "normal" life renewed.

"Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die." John 11:25-26

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In His great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead..." 1 Peter 1:3

Happy Easter! He makes all things new!

Lost for a moment

Hello all! I come to you after finishing my second to last chemotherapy treatment...hopefully forever! You would think that I would have been somewhat excited but I was actually in a pretty bad mood this morning, which I will explain.

First off though, one (ONE!?!?!?) more chemo treatment left next Monday! I can't even begin to explain the anticipation of almost being finished! Almost to the finish line, but that's the hardest part right? My chemo nurse also mentioned to us that I may get my PICC line out on Monday too! I can take a bath, not wear a "ShowerSOC" every time my arm may get wet, and no more late night PICC line flushes! God has truly spared me with only needing a PICC for 10 weeks and I am thankful but itching to get this thing out (it really does itch too :)).

Now onto the honest truth around my night and morning on treatment 20. I laid my head down last night as I went to bed and was hoping for a restful evening with little back pain and a quick transition to morning. I have been wishing my past few days away after it being my long chemo week and feeling rather bad. I was just waiting for the weekend to be over so I could have some reprieve. Friday after my long chemo week was what I expected. By evening, I was feeling the cumulative wear of 5 straight days of chemo. My body was worn out...too tired to really move, get ready, or be a wife. I have learned that the worst of it would be from Saturday morning to Sunday evening and that I could do it...I already had 2 times before. Reprieve came about 9 pm Sunday and I was looking for a decent night. Physically I was in a tolerable place but spiritually I was not.

Satan joined me last night. He frequently comes around to spoil everything. I let him yesterday. I was worn...I was exhausted...I was hopeless (even knowing a Lord and Savior who conquers death). Here is what my mind was spinning around:

1. You are so close to being finished. What if it didn't work? You only think this is over.
2. Where is your faith in your God? You should BELIEVE that if you ask that He will provide. You don't really think He can heal you?
3. Along the same lines, you are too scared to boldly ask for healing because you don't want to be disappointed. You don't trust him.
4. I think I can do it without God. I felt like He would remind me of this suffering and pain. That after I am done with chemo and this is past me that I will be find back in my mundane life. Seriously? I am quite ashamed to admit this one. He knew my heart here and so should you if I'm to tell this story. I didn't want my life to change. I wanted to be ignorant to death. I wanted my life without trouble. He never promised that though...

So, obviously I had some spiritual warfare to deal with last night. I did not come to any finality regarding my thoughts before I went to bed. I tossed and turned all night. My back hurt a lot....making me more anxious. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I was angry...irritated...tired of my "affliction". I was sick to my stomach and had a racing pulse. Pretty much feeling sorry for myself when I have 2 chemo treatments left and my prognosis is almost curable by the standards of the world. I had made it 8 weeks without getting infection and having a job where I could take off work for 12 weeks. Really, Kelly? Not to mention my support system, I let all of us down...especially my Father. This needed to happen. I needed to question my faith and my trust. I needed a reminder of His sovereignty (that's sad isn't it?). The vine and branches story really proved true for me this week...Sudoku doesn't cut it for spiritual well-being during chemo. My heart was not emerged in His word and I suffered (and whoever else I depressed today!).

I came home from chemo...slept....watched HGTV....ignored more phone calls...and got my act together. Here are some examples of our awesome God. He is there for us...always...no matter what. Even when we push him away. He whispered to me in several ways today. He was gentle where He could have been stern (and He could have and may still be stern).

1. The sparrow. Well, it was actually a large bird above the interstate. On the way to chemo as I was dealing with my attitude I noticed a couple of birds flying over the interstate. They were up there soaring in the wind, living their life. Looking for food, looking for something, enjoying the view. It reminded me of this scripture:

"Are two sparrows not sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside of your Father's care." Matthew 10:29

He loves us all. He has a plan for us all. But we are small. There is a plan greater than my life, my time on this earth, the earth even. I can't worry about it...I'm part of the plan. Trust me Kelly.

2. My daily devotional once again. I have mentioned the pertinence of my daily devotional several times before and it proved again to be true. This book has been a gift from The Lord! Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman, I highly recommend. Today's scripture is Hebrews 11:6.

"Without faith is is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."

What do I have to lose? I must have faith. Up to this point, my faith hasn't really been tested. My testimony regarding trust was lacking in the personal history department. I thank God for placing me here. My testimony is strengthened to be a more vital part of His plan.

This devotion also mentions Psalm 107 and the story of Daniel and the fiery furnace. Psalm 107 continually repeats, "Let them give thanks to The Lord for his unfailing love, and his wonderful deeds for mankind" because He delivered His people. He was faithful to His promise and He answered our prayers. He is trustworthy!

Lastly, in the story of Daniel (Dan. 3:17-18) Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego state to the king, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." He is capable of rescuing us but we must be ready if it is His will that we are not. This is where I struggle. This is where I bargain, reason, and lose sight of the purpose of my life. I am selfish but for what? Do I really think that I could come up with a better story for my life? I could live a life of love, luxury, good fortune, prosperity, and many years, I guess. But then I'd die. If i had my way, my story would definitely not involve cancer or suffering. But I'd still die without hope. The Lord has sent His son to die for my sins, a debt paid, so that I could have everlasting life to spend in eternity in Heaven. And I still want my story and my way? Lord, open my eyes to the promise you have for those who call upon your name. I pick you.

3. Lastly, Louie Giglio has always grounded me. I happened to come across one of his talks about hope today as I was trying to filter through my funk. I will place a link on here or on Facebook so you can check it out if you are interested. He pretty much discussed how God does not promise an easy life. Life will have life-altering trouble. It will come. It will happen to all of us. I think that with this cancer stuff, I feel that I have suffered my part now. Haha. I doubt that. So apparently I am spared from all pain for the rest of my life? I have suffered enough! The question is, have I learned enough? The Lord of the universe is molding me with his hands to be his servant, to bring Him glory and to worship him. Am I done suffering? Hopefully, for a little while physically, but I hope he loves me enough to continue to shape me for his good. Suffering is good. Without Him, it is insurmountable...like for me last night and this morning. But not anymore. Thank you for pursuing me today my King. And for such a small piece of your puzzle.

Hope this finds all of you well. I love each and every one of you and I pray for you! I am honored to serve The Lord beside my brothers and sisters in Christ and am thankful for His gift of fellowship. For those of you who do not know The Lord, please ask me about Him. Please ask someone about Him! He has a life for you that you cannot imagine that defeats death!

Happy Easter week! :) He is coating my piece of Earth with snow as we speak! Thank you for rebirth my Lord!

He is bigger

Hello everyone! I am officially through with my second cycle of chemotherapy! I am two thirds of the way through! I start my last long week on Monday and am anxious to get it behind it but am also dreading the way I will feel. Don't get me wrong, I am very blessed to have only felt bad for a few days in each cycle! However, you don't feel your best by any means.

I haven't updated this blog is about a week because I haven't had a whole lot to say. I have just been making it through this week and have kept to myself for most of it. Jason and I have had some great friends visit a couple of times this week and we had a great time with each of them. Not to mention the beautiful weather that we had yesterday! We actually tossed around a frisbee with our good friends yesterday next to the South Holston River! I do have an idea for something to talk about finally.

I have been following a family on Facebook that have recently lost their daughter unexpectedly to a brain tumor. Our friends that are missionaries in Kenya know this family because they are also missionaries. In order to not tell the whole story, their one-year-old baby girl was diagnosed with a medulloblastoma, had a surgery to remove it, and passed away all within a few days. Of course her story is much greater than this. Both of her parents have been open about her story through blogs. I cannot even begin to tell you how much this family and their story has touched my life. I am sure this is the same case for many, many other people that have followed their story.

I am incredibly humbled by this story. I know her parents are overwhelmed, heartbroken, and lost without their youngest child but they have shown faith and trust in The Lord and have praised Him from the get go. Their words about their daughter and her life and purpose are inspiring. They have stated over and over that their strength through this is from The Lord. It is through His grace. I think the biggest impact that this story had had in my life is how God has used such a young child to spread His name. This baby girl was unable to tell others about Christ. She was on this earth for less than 2 years and has moved mountains (I do not doubt). Her dad had mentioned that He wanted to share the name of Jesus through their work as missionaries and he had no idea that his daughter would be the one to introduce her family to the world to aid in supporting their mission.

Our God is bigger than our circumstances. Our God is bigger than cancer. Our God uses the least of these. Who can fathom that He can use the saddest situations and the youngest of children to make the impact that it has? Why do we question His power? Why do we question His plan? Shouldn't we just rest assured that we are in His hands regardless? His plan for us is far greater than what we can comprehend...even through struggle, loss, and sadness. He is there is joy, pain, life and death. He never leaves us. He is always by our side. We must have faith and hope in His promises. We must be obedient to His calling. He will bless us greater that we can imagine if we are obedient and hope in Him.

I am humbled by this sweet baby who has met our Savior. She has inspired me. I have had the opportunity to live an amazing 29 years in this life. She lived less than 2. My life has been a gift and I am tired of living each day without telling the world about this gift. Thank you Lord for my life. Thank you for my story. Please continue to humble me. Open my eyes to your purpose for my life. My life is yours. Give me the courage to tell Your story. Amen.

My life has gone in a direction that I wold not have chosen. This is not my idea of prospering. But it's not up to me nor do I trust my plan for this life. He is using my situation in ways that I cannot comprehend. He is equipping me for the rest of my life. I am thankful that he loves me enough to teach me. I will praise him through it all.

I hope I have correctly displayed this family and this sweet girl through this blog. Please pray for this family as they mourn the loss of this daughter. Pray for their mission work and that the name of The Lord and his great works will be spread.

Cycle three, here we come!!!

For the love of the run

Hi everyone! Things are going pretty good around here. Just trying to make it through week number five without any complications! I have had a little bit of trouble recuperating from my last long chemo week. I have just been somewhat puny and tired but if that's all I have to complain about, I'll take it anyway! Tomorrow is my last Neupogen shot for the week and I get my blood work done as well. Hopefully all of my blood counts look good again!

Other than feeling kinda yucky, I am so bored. I cannot even begin to describe just how bored I am starting to get! I don't have a ton of energy so I can't conquer things like cleaning the whole house in one swoop, yard work, shopping, or even baking (can you believe it?). So unfortunately, you are quite limited to what you can do. I spend most of my days getting ready, reading, watching tv, doing a load of laundry, and little chores around the house. Allie and I occasionally make it to out to the booming metropolis of Bluff City to walk around or to recycle. One those days that it's nice enough to hit the pavement with Allie, it hits me. I MISS running. I desperately miss it. My mind, body, and soul yearn for it. Especially now.

Running became a huge part of my life a few years ago. I have always been an athlete and ran as a part of training for a lot of the sports I participated in but never really enjoyed it. After college and all of the organized sports dwindled, I had to find something to do to stay in shape. I am not a gym rat and would just rather be outside. I started running some distance before I got married to reduce stress (sorry Jason, but getting married is quite stressful) and it helped. It also really helped me fit in my wedding dress! After that though, I lost it again and got busy with PT school and adapting to being a wife and full time student. But like any love, it came back and I'm so glad it did.

In 2012, my parents started the long road to divorce and it took me for a loop. My life had been easy up until then. I couldn't really complain about much and had no reason to really be mad at the world. Now, life wasn't fair. I had a hard time accepting this reality for quite some time and didn't have an outlet. I found myself in a pathetic place really. I was cold, disinterested, and bitter. I knew the promises of God but I was just mad. Anger and hurt can really poison your heart! Then I ran.

I ran to run away from my situation. I ran when my mom was upset. I ran when I was upset. I spent countless hours on the pavement in the bitter cold and in the raging heat running with tears in my eyes. I had downloaded so many songs on my iPod about God's love and plan, overcoming troubles, etc that I could run another marathon without repeating one of them! Running provided me with time to myself and for myself. Gradually, my pain subsided and my heart began to heal. Not only was I beginning to gain substantial distance, but my soul was also benefitting! My runs were filled with contemplating relationships, reliving my day and how it could have gone better, prayer for friends and family, worshipping the Lord, and purging negative thoughts. Running left me strong, capable, and courageous. And this is how my marriage to my running shoes began! It was a symbiotic relationship full of ups and downs, give and take, and the dream to go further tomorrow.

So from the spring of 2010 until December 2012, I ran at least 5 days a week. I ran anywhere from 2-3 miles to 26.2 at one go. I ran in the rain, snow, wind, heat, with Allie, in the dark, before you got out of bed, with friends, alone, being chased by animals, and on many different roads. I ran for people who couldn't- those too scared to try, those too old to try, and for all of my kids at work that could only dream of running. Each time I ran, I got to know Kelly. I learned of her fears, dreams, set backs, failures, strength, and her heart. I miss her. I miss spending time allowing God to reveal her to me.

I know that this trial is much like my marathon. And I will again say that it was by no coincidence that I was able to accomplish that goal before being faced with cancer. He is a great God. I can clearly see how He has used running to prepare me for this. It has taught me my potential. It helped me know my body to catch this early. It made a strong fighter, knowing she is capable of the unthinkable. It has given me life in so many ways. Thank you God for your gift of running.

Don't get me wrong. Running is no walk in the park. Training for a marathon is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Before fighting cancer, I had never been so taxed or pushed to my limit. I had to drag myself out of bed at 5 am on Saturday mornings to go run up to 20 miles (thank you to Susan, my faithful running partner). There were times you didn't want to continue or couldn't continue. Times when you counted down the miles or the steps. "One foot in front of the other, one foot in front of the other." I felt like my legs were not my own so many times, probably because they were numb or electrolyte deprived! But through all of that pain, I finished each time. I finished disappointed that I could have done better and sometimes too tired to care. But in the end, it is worth it. All of that pain and suffering, early mornings, late evenings, contemplating quitting, pushing on, and not giving up were worth to finish line. I can't even begin to explain the finish line. That's a whole new blog post. :)

I know they say runners are crazy. I get that. I don't expect many of you to understand, but those that do, go run! I'lI catch up real soon!

"Let us run with endurance the race God has set before us." Hebrews 12:1

Halfway Through

So...yesterday marked halfway through with chemo treatments! As of today, I only will have 9 more to go! I cannot believe that we have made it this far. I just wanted to tell everyone how much I appreciate all of the prayers, words of encouragement, and support. Through this experience, the power of prayer and fellowship have definitely been revealed to me!

I fully trust in His ability to bring healing to my body and soul in His time; however I'll be honest in that the next few days are going to be a challenge. I hate to go ahead and say that but after the end of my first long week, I felt pretty crummy. I am again starting to feel pretty bad, where all you can think about is being uncomfortable. I really have no room to complain, because I'll take 3-4 bad days out of a a 21-day cycle! It could be so much worse and I see His blessing in that. I pray that I can stay focused over the weekend knowing that this storm will pass and we'll be closer to finishing! I pray that I won't complain too much so Jason can have a decent weekend with me! :)

After reflecting on the first half of treatment, I realize that I do not know where all the time has gone! I desperately miss normalcy, interaction with people, RUNNING, and my babies at work! It feels like all I have done is play incredible amounts of Sudoku, sleep after my Benadryl dose in chemo camp, and watch too many recorded episodes of Parenthood and Duck Dynasty! This is not how I had attended or spend all of this extra time that He had given me! I often complained before all of this with how little time I had to improve my spiritual life, family life, or clean my house. Well, I have had that time and haven't done a thing with it! I believe that He has given me this period of rest at the perfect time. I pray that I will begin to use it more effectively. It just seems easier sometimes to go someplace different and get away from the circumstances at hand. Although I know that we all go through things that aren't easy but are required for our walk. I know that He keeps me in this valley just long enough until I am where He wants me to be.


Well, I guess I should finish up here and pay more attention to my brother (who left the toilet seat up in the women's cancer center....haha). Hope everyone has a great weekend!