Lost for a moment

Hello all! I come to you after finishing my second to last chemotherapy treatment...hopefully forever! You would think that I would have been somewhat excited but I was actually in a pretty bad mood this morning, which I will explain.

First off though, one (ONE!?!?!?) more chemo treatment left next Monday! I can't even begin to explain the anticipation of almost being finished! Almost to the finish line, but that's the hardest part right? My chemo nurse also mentioned to us that I may get my PICC line out on Monday too! I can take a bath, not wear a "ShowerSOC" every time my arm may get wet, and no more late night PICC line flushes! God has truly spared me with only needing a PICC for 10 weeks and I am thankful but itching to get this thing out (it really does itch too :)).

Now onto the honest truth around my night and morning on treatment 20. I laid my head down last night as I went to bed and was hoping for a restful evening with little back pain and a quick transition to morning. I have been wishing my past few days away after it being my long chemo week and feeling rather bad. I was just waiting for the weekend to be over so I could have some reprieve. Friday after my long chemo week was what I expected. By evening, I was feeling the cumulative wear of 5 straight days of chemo. My body was worn out...too tired to really move, get ready, or be a wife. I have learned that the worst of it would be from Saturday morning to Sunday evening and that I could do it...I already had 2 times before. Reprieve came about 9 pm Sunday and I was looking for a decent night. Physically I was in a tolerable place but spiritually I was not.

Satan joined me last night. He frequently comes around to spoil everything. I let him yesterday. I was worn...I was exhausted...I was hopeless (even knowing a Lord and Savior who conquers death). Here is what my mind was spinning around:

1. You are so close to being finished. What if it didn't work? You only think this is over.
2. Where is your faith in your God? You should BELIEVE that if you ask that He will provide. You don't really think He can heal you?
3. Along the same lines, you are too scared to boldly ask for healing because you don't want to be disappointed. You don't trust him.
4. I think I can do it without God. I felt like He would remind me of this suffering and pain. That after I am done with chemo and this is past me that I will be find back in my mundane life. Seriously? I am quite ashamed to admit this one. He knew my heart here and so should you if I'm to tell this story. I didn't want my life to change. I wanted to be ignorant to death. I wanted my life without trouble. He never promised that though...

So, obviously I had some spiritual warfare to deal with last night. I did not come to any finality regarding my thoughts before I went to bed. I tossed and turned all night. My back hurt a lot....making me more anxious. I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I was angry...irritated...tired of my "affliction". I was sick to my stomach and had a racing pulse. Pretty much feeling sorry for myself when I have 2 chemo treatments left and my prognosis is almost curable by the standards of the world. I had made it 8 weeks without getting infection and having a job where I could take off work for 12 weeks. Really, Kelly? Not to mention my support system, I let all of us down...especially my Father. This needed to happen. I needed to question my faith and my trust. I needed a reminder of His sovereignty (that's sad isn't it?). The vine and branches story really proved true for me this week...Sudoku doesn't cut it for spiritual well-being during chemo. My heart was not emerged in His word and I suffered (and whoever else I depressed today!).

I came home from chemo...slept....watched HGTV....ignored more phone calls...and got my act together. Here are some examples of our awesome God. He is there for us...always...no matter what. Even when we push him away. He whispered to me in several ways today. He was gentle where He could have been stern (and He could have and may still be stern).

1. The sparrow. Well, it was actually a large bird above the interstate. On the way to chemo as I was dealing with my attitude I noticed a couple of birds flying over the interstate. They were up there soaring in the wind, living their life. Looking for food, looking for something, enjoying the view. It reminded me of this scripture:

"Are two sparrows not sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside of your Father's care." Matthew 10:29

He loves us all. He has a plan for us all. But we are small. There is a plan greater than my life, my time on this earth, the earth even. I can't worry about it...I'm part of the plan. Trust me Kelly.

2. My daily devotional once again. I have mentioned the pertinence of my daily devotional several times before and it proved again to be true. This book has been a gift from The Lord! Streams in the Desert by L.B. Cowman, I highly recommend. Today's scripture is Hebrews 11:6.

"Without faith is is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."

What do I have to lose? I must have faith. Up to this point, my faith hasn't really been tested. My testimony regarding trust was lacking in the personal history department. I thank God for placing me here. My testimony is strengthened to be a more vital part of His plan.

This devotion also mentions Psalm 107 and the story of Daniel and the fiery furnace. Psalm 107 continually repeats, "Let them give thanks to The Lord for his unfailing love, and his wonderful deeds for mankind" because He delivered His people. He was faithful to His promise and He answered our prayers. He is trustworthy!

Lastly, in the story of Daniel (Dan. 3:17-18) Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego state to the king, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up." He is capable of rescuing us but we must be ready if it is His will that we are not. This is where I struggle. This is where I bargain, reason, and lose sight of the purpose of my life. I am selfish but for what? Do I really think that I could come up with a better story for my life? I could live a life of love, luxury, good fortune, prosperity, and many years, I guess. But then I'd die. If i had my way, my story would definitely not involve cancer or suffering. But I'd still die without hope. The Lord has sent His son to die for my sins, a debt paid, so that I could have everlasting life to spend in eternity in Heaven. And I still want my story and my way? Lord, open my eyes to the promise you have for those who call upon your name. I pick you.

3. Lastly, Louie Giglio has always grounded me. I happened to come across one of his talks about hope today as I was trying to filter through my funk. I will place a link on here or on Facebook so you can check it out if you are interested. He pretty much discussed how God does not promise an easy life. Life will have life-altering trouble. It will come. It will happen to all of us. I think that with this cancer stuff, I feel that I have suffered my part now. Haha. I doubt that. So apparently I am spared from all pain for the rest of my life? I have suffered enough! The question is, have I learned enough? The Lord of the universe is molding me with his hands to be his servant, to bring Him glory and to worship him. Am I done suffering? Hopefully, for a little while physically, but I hope he loves me enough to continue to shape me for his good. Suffering is good. Without Him, it is insurmountable...like for me last night and this morning. But not anymore. Thank you for pursuing me today my King. And for such a small piece of your puzzle.

Hope this finds all of you well. I love each and every one of you and I pray for you! I am honored to serve The Lord beside my brothers and sisters in Christ and am thankful for His gift of fellowship. For those of you who do not know The Lord, please ask me about Him. Please ask someone about Him! He has a life for you that you cannot imagine that defeats death!

Happy Easter week! :) He is coating my piece of Earth with snow as we speak! Thank you for rebirth my Lord!